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I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.
Yo momma so ugly she got arrested for mooning when she looked out her window.
Q: How do fish get high?
A: Seaweed.
How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to say, "But I never turn it on!" and two to say, "But I did it last time!"
Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee."
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"
Your mum is so fat when she went on the scale it said, "To be continued..."
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Yo mama so ugly that when she went to hell, the devil went to church.
I hear OJ Simpson is working on a stand up act in jail, apparently he kills everytime.
Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.
To avoid car-pool tunnel!
Once upon a time, a doctor performed surgery on a young boy with an eye defect. After the surgery was done, he said to the parents, ""Your son is going to be just fine. We graphed some skin from his scrotum to widen his lid. He should have 20/20 vision when he wakes up." The parents responded, "So his eye is going to be normal?" "Well, like I said, his vision will be normal but he may be a little c*ck-eyed."
Yo momma is so stupid that she sat on the TV to watch the couch.
Yo mama has so many rolls of fat she has to screw on her pants.
The difference between like and love is spit and swallow.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you. - the late George Carlin
Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
Yo mamma so stupid she was staring at my Ford because it said "Focus."
Yo momma has so much dandruff when she scratches her head people are like, "Dang, is it winter already?"
What do nine out of 10 people enjoy? Gang rape.
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
You might be a redneck if your house has more wheels then your car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
A: A microchip off the old block.
What is the difference between your wife and your lover? 30 minutes.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.
Q: What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffit have in common?
A: They both had curds (Kurds) in their way (whey).
Yo mama is so ugly when the devil saw her, he started praying.