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Four men were bragging about
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.......

sh*t on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation...............and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
Category: Animal
The lord said unto John

The lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life," but john came fifth and won a toaster.

Category: Religious jokes
The Lone Ranger woke to

The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. He declared, "Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore."

Category: Word play jokes
What is it called if

What is it called if two people in wheelchairs are having oral sex? Meals on wheels.

Category: Sex jokes
Q Have you heard about

Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

Category: Clean jokes
You know what Adam said

You know what Adam said to Eve? "Watch out, I don’t know how big this gets."

Category: Religious jokes
Chuck Norris house trained his
Chuck Norris house trained his dog by 1 roundhouse kick to the face.
Category: Celebrity
Q What has more lives
Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
Category: Animal
Q What stays in one

Q: What stays in one corner but travels around the world?
A: A stamp.

Category: Clean jokes
What do you get when
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
Nobody knows, but whatever it is, it knits its own sweaters.
Category: Animal
Q Why do Hookers wear

Q: Why do Hookers wear tampons? A: So crabs can bungee jump.

Category: Boycott these jokes
When you play Monopoly with
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
Category: Celebrity
A little boy caught his

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

Category: Sex jokes
Q What is 69 A

Q: What is 6.9?
A: A really great thing ruined by a period.

Category: Sex jokes
An Irishman Englishman and Scotsman
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman walk into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him and yells, Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!
Category: Animal
Q When is a door

Q: When is a door sweet and tasty? A: When it’s jammed!

Category: Miscellaneous jokes
1Enter any 11digit prime number
1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

16.User Error: Replace user.

17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way
Category: Religious
Yo momma so ghetto she

Yo momma so ghetto, she had to steal a pair of shoes just to throw them over the power line.

Category: Yo momma jokes
Cars were invented to have
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Category: Celebrity
Yo momma is so fat

Yo momma is so fat she sat on the rainbow and Skittles came out.

Category: Yo momma jokes
A lady was picking up
A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Category: Business
Q How do you find

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: Look for the fresh prints.

Category: Pop culture jokes
Q Have you seen the
Q: Have you seen the new Barbie Doctor doll?
A: You wind her up, and she operates on batteries.
Category: Profession
Q Why do pirates like

Q: Why do pirates like algebra?
A: "Annex" marks the spot.

Category: Science jokes
Q Why did George Byron

Q: Why did George Byron suffer from arthritis? A: Because he was such a rheumantic.

Category: Miscellaneous jokes
Returning home from work a
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called up the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch. Shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Category: Profession
Pauly D from Jersey Shore
Pauly D from Jersey Shore was at the Dance party where Chuck Norris invented the Electric Slide. His hair is now permanently stuck in a blowout position.
Category: Celebrity
Q Why are ghosts such

Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit!

Category: Clean jokes
Q Why did was the

Q: Why did was the Mexican fast food vendor arrested?
A: He was planning a tacover.

Category: Food jokes
Yo mamma so hairy when

Yo mamma so hairy when she lifted her armpit she said, "Welcome to the jungle."

Category: Yo momma jokes
Q On what kind of

Q: On what kind of ships do students study? A: Scholarships.

Category: Word play jokes
A Handicapped parking sign does
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Category: Celebrity
What part of Popeye never

What part of Popeye never rusts? The part he puts in Olive Oil.

Category: Sex jokes
Chuck Norris uses beer coasters
Chuck Norris uses beer coasters as shurikens.
Category: Beverage
Little Miss Muffet sat on
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Category: Celebrity
Chuck Norris recently had the
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Category: Beverage
Q What do you call
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef.
Category: Animal
During his visit to the
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
Category: Political
Chuck Norris once ate an
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Category: Celebrity
Q Why did the school

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Category: Word play jokes