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Everybody loves Raymond Except Chuck
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Category: Celebrity
In surgery for a heart

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”

Category: Religious jokes
Q What two states are
Q: What two states are opposites?
A: Maryland and Misury
Category: State
Conjunctivitiscom a site for sore

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes.

Category: Word play jokes
My friend thinks he is

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Category: Clean jokes
Man I know how to

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Category: Relationship jokes
What do you say when

What do you say when you see your television floating at night? "Drop it nigga."

Category: Boycott these jokes
Q Why did cavemen drag

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because they found out by dragging them by their legs that their hole would fill up with mud.

Category: Sex jokes
Q How did the blonde

Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
A: He was run over by the Zamboni.

Category: Sports jokes
Yo momma so fat you

Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a Mars bar on the other side just to get her through.

Category: Yo momma jokes
Smith climbs to the top
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute".
Category: Religious
This blonde decides one day
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Category: Hair color
An accountant is having a
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get any sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend four hours trying to find it."
Category: Profession
Q Why are there no

Q: Why are there no televisions in Afghanistan?
A: Because of the Telly-ban!

Category: Word play jokes
Why did Tigger stick his

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

Category: Word play jokes
There were five people aboard

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

Category: Miscellaneous jokes
THE VALUE OF UNDIES Always
THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Category: State
Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat, she made an email account just so she could eat the spam.

Category: Yo momma jokes
Yo momma so fat her

Yo momma so fat her favorite food is seconds.

Category: Food jokes
Q My boyfriend is as

Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name?
A: Frankenstein.

Category: Word play jokes
Chuck Norris never wet his
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Category: Celebrity
Yo mamma so old she

Yo mamma so old she has a Bible autographed by Jesus.

Category: Yo momma jokes
Q What did the cholo

Q: What did the cholo say when the house fell on him?
A: "Get off me, homes!"

Category: Clean jokes
Yo mamma so old when

Yo mamma so old when I tapped her back her boobs fell off.

Category: Yo momma jokes
Reaching the end of a

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Category: Clean jokes
A husband and wife were

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Category: Blonde jokes
Yo mama is so dumb

Yo mama is so dumb she bought tickets to Xbox LIVE.

Category: Yo momma jokes
A man was walking in
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Category: Vehicle
Q Why do blondes wear

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Category: Blonde jokes
Why did the blonde like

Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her.

Category: Blonde jokes
Women in Washington DC were

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, 'Not again.'

Category: Political jokes
Chuck Norris once kicked a
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the jaw, it's decendents are known today as giraffes.
Category: Celebrity
Q What do dim lamps

Q: What do dim lamps and blondes have in common?
A: They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.

Category: Blonde jokes
A husband asks his wife

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

Category: Relationship jokes
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
Category: Celebrity
Q Why do pirates not

Q: Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
A: They always get stuck at "c."

Category: Word play jokes
Where do polar bears vote

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

Category: Holiday jokes
How much wood would a
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ......All of it.
Category: Celebrity
Chuck Norris won the Origami
Chuck Norris won the Origami Championship in 1983...folding a rock
Category: Celebrity
In the beginning there was
In the beginning there was nothing......then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Category: Celebrity