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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
What is the last thing you take off before you go to bed? Your feet off the ground.
Q: What has three balls and phones home?
A: E.T.The Extra Testicle.
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in North Carolina, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from N. C. and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the local Vet; who was very wise; what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in North Carolina?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "But how did you know we got the cow in North Carolina?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye; "My wife is from North Carolina."
A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse...... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Where do you find a Zebra?
25 letters after A-Brah.
A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. So what are your plans? The father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar. He says. A Torah scholar, Hmmm, the father says. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to? I will study, the young man said, and God will provide for us.
And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.
And children? asks the father. How will you support children? Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancé.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey? The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks Im God
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: You can see right through them.
How do you stop a ginger from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.
While teaching a CPR course, chuck norris actually brought the practice dummy to life
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because they found out by dragging them by their legs that their hole would fill up with mud.
Yo momma so ghetto, she had to steal a pair of shoes just to throw them over the power line.
The lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life," but john came fifth and won a toaster.
My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said, "Come on, get in the car. We’re going to the gas station."
Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
Yo Mama so fat when she went to the movies she sat next to everyone
Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
Student: "At the bottom of the page!"
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotchman and Paddy Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. Paddy Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. Paddy Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. Paddy Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"
Before snapping your neck, Chuck Norris will tell you the best shampoo you should have used.
Yo mama so poor her front door and back door are on the same hinges.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
A: He burped 7Up.
Q: How do Mexicans take a family portrait?
A: They all jump in the back of a pickup truck and run a red light.
Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
A: "Odor in the court!"
Q: What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner?
A: Roast twerky!
A blond asked his friend, "Why does my sister have two brothers and I only have one???"
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Q: Why is a river rich? A: Because it has two banks.
Yo mamma so hairy when she lifted her armpit she said, "Welcome to the jungle."
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.
Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.
After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.
Afterward, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
Yo momma is so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everybody.
Yo momma is so fat she makes free willy look like a tic-tac!
A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle; how does it know?"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.
Q: Can a match box?
A: No, but a tin can.