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THE VALUE OF UNDIES-- Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Yo momma is so skinny she uses a Cheerio as a hula hoop.
How do you get a dishwasher to dig a hole? Give the woman a shovel!
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!
What do you call a cow with big t*ts?
An utter drag.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: "Meet you at the corner!"
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.
Sperm whales were created when Chuck Norris masterbated in the ocean.
Q: What did the football say to the football player?
A: I get a kick out of you.
Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
So he could see her crack!
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
What do a telephone and a dog have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants?
A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
If silence speaks a thousand words, how loud is a thousand words?
Your mama is so fat that her BMI is measured in acres.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
When Chris Angle levitated in front of Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris just laughed and flew away.
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
What do you give a man with an artificial heart? Three weeks.
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Your momma is so old she has an autographed copy of the Bible.
Q: What do you call a doll on fire?
A: A Barbie-Q.
If Recipes were like tax forms....
* Line 1.
Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)
* Line 2.
Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
* Line 3.
Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
* Line 4.
Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.
* Line 5a.
Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.
* Line 6.
Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
* Line 7.
Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.
* Line 8.
Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.
Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.
* Line 9.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
* Line 10.
Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."
* Line 11.
* Line 12.
In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.
* Line 13.
Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).
* Line 14.
Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."
Q: What makes a pool table laugh?
A: Reach in its pockets and tickle its balls.
A blond asked his friend, "Why does my sister have two brothers and I only have one???"
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
Despite whatever Gene Simmons says, Chuck Norris IS Doctor Love.
A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" The doctor said, "I know your problem." The blonde asked, "Is it bad, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Q: On what kind of ships do students study? A: Scholarships.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Teacher: "If Astronomy is the name for the study of celestial objects, what would you call a person who studies the stars?"
Blonde student: "Paparazzi!"
Yo momma so fat when she jumped for joy she got stuck.