Q: What is the Mexican version of One Direction?
A: Juan Direction.

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table?
A: "Use the fork, Luke."

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Yo momma so stupid she thought Bruno Mars was a planet.

Did you hear about Monica Lewinsky becoming a Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough. - Pluto